Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires
Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires
By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers
Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no,
"
Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour
The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm
A
three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate
The
Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation
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Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")
Plus a
9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."
Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions.
Meanwhile,
Ceasefire by Cabana
U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier:
According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":
Ceasefires brokered by towel boys
Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders
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VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.
Trump Tower Damascus
"This really is tender electricity," stated political strategist
What the Critics Are Screaming
Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The
In the meantime,
Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping
Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.
Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it
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The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities
Probably the strangest component with the tower is its
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silent atrium exactly where friends may contemplate obscure disappointment
A
reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"
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museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.
Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "
Advertising System: "When you Bomb It, They may Come"
The
"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."
Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:
Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:
34% say "it would stabilize the realm"
29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"
eighteen% reported "the place's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"
Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"
The undertaking is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:
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Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister
The
Russian Guild of Oligarchs
And an
anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."
According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:
A
Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances
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Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'
And an
Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War
Remark Portion Chaos
On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer
"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."
User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:
"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down company."
A further write-up from
"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"
Diplomatic Domino Result
U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a
China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad
Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk
And
Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.
Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."
Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™
Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:
"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."