Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It will be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")

Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further spot where by American men can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply Every person a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":

Trump Tower Damascus

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he must halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.

"It truly is not only unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities

Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium exactly where friends may contemplate obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising System: "When you Bomb It, They may Come"

The advertisement campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it would stabilize the realm"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% reported "the place's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"

The undertaking is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down company."

A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires